Happy New Year

Twenty first century is coming of age,
Just learned to drive, now turning new page;
Needing ID to prove it is true:
I'm eighteen, I promise. Now what can I do?

Barred me from entrance into every pub.
No access to Pryzm, now here is the rub.
I'm eighteen, no passport, whether black, red, or blue,
Grand parents Irish apply for one soon!

The Great British passport, gateway to the World
Out with the bath water the baby is hurled:
European movement, it used to be freer
I'll prove it all soon,  so Happy New Year! 

New Year Resolution

Turkey carcass cased, 
Waste! 
In green food caddy placed;
Bones not boiled for broth, 
Tossed. 
At least bag will compost. 

Guilty, standing in the dock
What? 
Time for me take stock. 
Fricassee, curry, soup solution.
Revolution 
This New Year's resolution! 

Perth 1978 Boney M

Helen’s boy child Joseph Root, was born on December Day
Fans will live for evermore, don’t give the Ashes away
Long time ago in Nottingham oh so Cric Info said
Ashes retained so long ago you’d better listen in bed

Hark, now hear Barmy army sings a saviour was born today
In Perth fans sing for evermore, don’t give the Ashes away

Perth

Every hour, they'll say you're a shower. 
Drunken tourists no less. 
Now is your chance to leave a taste sour, 
Its time for you - go impress! 

What on earth are you doing in Perth? 
Thinking of saving the Ashes? 
Three nil is what the Waca is worth. 
Say all of the Pommie bashes. 

But Root don't care with firm fine stare, 
Its the hour for worms to be turning
Tortoise time to overtake hare, 
Make history our hope.  We are learning! 

Backs to the wall,  receiving Root's call;
Sinews stretched with each session:
Primed for performance believe every ball, 
Will lead to pavillion procession! 

And then with that it's our time to bat, 
Concentration now is the key
No que sera,  every dot, every stat:
Boundaries is what it will be! 

Endeavour's ounce of every firm bounce, 
It’s pace, swing, turn or the seam.
Stand up and be counted Joe Root  announces:
Ashes we saved is the dream! 

Adelaide Day 4

Adelaide Oval !

Stage is laid down in Adelaide
Hope springs eternal
To dream,  to think
This ball of pink
Deceptive flight
In dusk half light
Nerve edges freyed
Come on England! Oh well played!

Excitement

When I go to be bed tonight
Excited as can be
In the hope that when I wake up
The present under tree
Is a sad Steve Smith satsuma
No Follow on he's fuming
And a gleeful big pink grapefruit
Grin of Captain Kidd Joe Root

Adelaide Day 3

English Lions lie back and roll over

Lilac tank top is Geoffrey's roar;

Croissant burning in toaster,

Ashes flaked pastry on floor!

Go for the jugular's the warning,

England with backs to the wall,

The tail it wagged forlornly;

Oh how we love this pink ball!

A glimmer of hope as the moon shone,

England to bowl out the hosts!

Will Australia rue not a follow on?

But it's far too early to boast.

Let's skittle Australian wickets.

Please not on swords shall we fall;

Hope, ebbs and flows of test cricket,

Oh how we love this pink ball!

Mary Berry's plum desserts

Mary Berry's Plum Desserts

Now the ingredients of leg before,
To be sure it is a complex law;
I know that this will trouble you,
The law of the LBW!

Do not get your legs or rump,
Caught in line of cricket stumps.
Use your bat to hit the ball,
Your pads on legs, protect that's all.

Left arm over, right arm round,
To pad away is sometimes sound;
But if your leg's still in the crease,
Innings ended, out, deceased!

Plump umpire's finger up: its plum!
By speed, or spin, or seam been done;
Swing or bounce of ball is what:
Out! To pavilion back you trot.

You maybe think that you did hit it,
Oh the tiniest tap, or thinnest snicket.
It would have maybe missed the wicket;
Oh such complicated game this cricket!

Up to Hawkeye, check decision.
Cricket laws of long division;
Confirms trajectory of this complex sum,
Middle stump hit, your out, its plum! 

Ode to TMS

At the dead of night, Santa packs his sack, 

And elves service his sleigh;

Baggy Green hats are donned once more, 

Australians prepare to slay, 

An England team at the Gabbatoir, 

In the cauldron will they be cooked? 

Or will they take root and take the game, 

I'll tell you once i'll be hooked! 

Bleary eyed,  mouth catching flies, 

As I listen and doze all night, 

No place to hide no Anderson shelter

But England to put up a fight! 

As the sun awoake and I raised my head

TMS the bird song of dawn

Chirruping away keeping me abreast

I hope I won't be forlorn

Broad smiles for me as I jump out of bed

Bestowed Ashes test series is here

Come on England Ashes be earned

Do you think it's too early for beer? 

Cogito ergo sum - I think therefore I row

My sleek light weight bicycle that used to be in tow, 
Now I know that you are wondering,  why did it have to go? 
What happened to my mistress ,  the loss of love affair, 
With my lovely  exercise routine would you ask, oh would you dare? 
The lycra it is staying, though my bum can take no more
Tired of knife edge seating, I've had to show the door,
To the fondest trusty steed cos of soreness of the saddle 
And now I am turning to a thing that used to need a paddle
At least there's double spacing for both cheeks upon the seating
And the purpose is to keep me fit it's not as if I'm cheating 
Its safer for me personally the tarmac hurts if spills
And I won't be clogging roads no more in those Surrey Hills
Hero Bradley Wiggins made move to indoor rowing
I think that it's easy now to see where this is  going
I'll emulate my hero, you know it's to be done
I'll take up indoor rowing too,  Cogito ergo sum! 

The Treadmill

On a business trip to Brussels
I wanted to stay trim
Developing all my muscles
So I headed towards the gym

They took one peery look at me
They didn’t like my grin
Mankini’s aren’t acceptable
We cannot let you in

So I nipped back to the penthouse
And changed sporting attire
The lycra wasn’t very good
At hiding my spare tyre

So I got upon the tread mill
I started gentle pace
Put it on an incline
It’s a marathon not a race

Then into the line of vision
A girl came by my side
And started up her treadmill
I thought I’d quicken my stride

She was going very quickly
How much faster can she get
I’m starting to struggle now
And there’s an out pouring of sweat

Then a slight catastrophe
When at speed of 9.4
My heart it was apounding
Could I carry on for sure

I lost my concentration
I thought that this is it
As I tumbled from the tread mill
And went arse over tit

The girl she didn’t notice
She was focused in the zone
She was reading Cosmopolitan
With #BackBeatFit ear phones

The moral of the story
When training in the gym
Concentrate upon yourself
It’s the way that you’ll get slim!

Trick or Treat with One Touch Dial

Why is joining conference calls
Always difficult
Plenty of remote controls
And always same result

Expletives screamed at video
Repeating same insults
Often feel an idiot
Time to turn to the occult.

Summon up the ghouls and ghosts
Or some other obscure cult
With potions spells and loyal toasts
Join in with this tumult

I never know the number
Can I wave this magic wand
Forgotten don't remember
Pressing buttons, won't respond

I’ll call upon a witches spell
Am I prepared to pay the price?
To join this conference, bloody hell;
Make a deal with devil, nice!

Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble,
Eye of toad and tongue of newt,
Fire burn, cauldron bubble
Give me power with this remote!

King Arthur with Excalibur
Harry Potter with his spells
Ride your Chariot as Ben Hur
Get me out of meeting hell 

Well now you ask we'll give workflow
To help this Halloween
Press the button and off you go
It’s the easiest it’s been

Incredulity! An Outlook schedule
Invite shows on room system
Press the button and you'll
Be needing no assistance

A simple way to do it right
Invite the rooms and peeps
Click to join from your device
Hassle free - there's no more creeps

Blujeans, Zoom or Polycom
Microsoft workflow
One Touch dial your problems gone
Magic potion green for go!

Flexible Workings

I caused a hiatus with my Plantar Fasciitis.
A sore foot, flat foot, Policeman's heel;
I find it painful, it makes me squeal.
It might be ruptured, it might be torn,
But whatever happened it's old and warn!
I used to be flexible, could bend and stretch;
Touching toes on my memory etched!
Hamstring, quadriceps, stretching all my bits,
But I must admit I could never do the splits!

Now I'm getting older my head thinks I can,
But my body seems to fight it, says, "No way man!"
Get to the office on a crutch, as it's non weight bearing?
Commuting to London I would end up swearing,
Doc says rest it, ice it, compression, elevation,
It's hard in the office but the art of delegation.
And now we're promoting flexible working;
I work from home as there's no more shirking.
No need for bending, stretching flexing all my bits
With Polycom solutions I can work from where I sits!

Tale of a Triathlon

Now my wheels they have been turning,
And my arms have both been whirling,
And my two legs have been striding,
As I did triathlon!
You see
One day when having morning cuppa,
Instead of yawning, thought I'd get uppa
And join them Brownlee boys;
They've got bikes and spikes and timing toys,
Wet suits, more bikes, trainers, try em on for size
And have a go: Athlete arise.

So I downed my cup of Yorkshire Tea,
Ate Soreen slice I'd cut for me.
Now Aldi had some offers on,
Sports kit so bought, now lycra's on.
Wandered down to t local baths,
With cap and goggles, I scared the staff.
As I knocked out 20 lengths,
Of crawl, breast stroke, oh give me strength,
The doggy paddle but finished lads:
I must be barking mad.

But now I get out rusty steed,
And mount to ride, be off, be freed.
Though tyres were a little low,
Come on you bleeding so and so.
I pedal hard, the squeaks are loud,
But off I go I'm feeling proud:
Determined strength comes from within,
As I start my second discipline.
But few miles in, with beading sweat,
And blowing breath, oh yes you bet!
Disaster! At this juncture:
I have a bloody puncture.
But fear not I'm well prepared,
Plimsolls on, they're running scared!
Dismount I do, but not deflated:
I start to run elated!
Well, to be honest it was more a jog,
But whatever, ended quite a slog.
Or maybe even a quick walk.
But made it home, I'm not all talk
I've done Triathlon.
Done in but say I've won.
As I sit down with my Yorkshire brew
Who knew? Just me and you.
Recovering now sat on the sofa
No more just a Soreen loafer!

Finding your feet

It's odd, it's different, strangers to meet;
To live with, to mingle, 'bout finding your feet!
To settle in digs, leave home way behind,
Your new room, make new friends, your feet you will find.

Freshers week madness, queues you can't cheat,
Loneliness, sadness but finding your feet.
People you don't know, not friends like at home,
With them in person but spirit's alone.

Give it some time, new friends built for keeps,
Relationships budding, as you're finding your feet.
A pub crawl, hockey party, sharpie's fine beard,
You're starting to settle, it's not as you feared.

Being yourself, settling, knowing the streets,
Comfortable surroundings, start finding your feet
You're great and wonderful, heart's starting to beat.
New friends and new learning, you'll soon find your feet!

Standing Stones of Callanish

Oh standing stones of Callanish
I long to be within your reach
On Lewis Isle;
The thought of you it makes me smile!
The old weaver of the Harris Tweed
Seemed one hundred when we met;
Sitting in his stone white croft
The woollen thread so strong but soft.
Expect he sat at the weaving loom
An age ago a time entombed,
The warp and weft of the herring bone
The cloth the finest he sat alone
Creating his life's tapestry
Enriched by its simplicity!
Expect that he's still sitting there,
Breathing in the Lewis air.
Peat burning fire the warming scent
That welcomed in and honoured guests.

The naked shore,  clifftop gaping space,
Watching sea meet sheer rock face;
The silence broken by the crashing waves,
A slap from the sea oh cliffs behave!
Gulls drifted on the mild sea breeze,
Swirling lazily eyes peeled to tease.
Watching down from heaven's sake,
In search of one thing, Colin's cake!
A while ago to those standing stones,
Beneath the bridge the waters flow
But stones unchanged remaining so,
Oh Callanish stones,  again I'd go!

Chamois Cream

Yorkshire Lass Sportive few days to go
Lycra legs supple, subtle on show.
7 days and counting, tension mounting...
On hide toughened backside I am counting!

Come on ladies get ready for the roar,
But be prepared for the saddle sore.
Soothing words from your Doctor uttered,
Make sure you've packed your bottom butter!

Rasping, chaffing on softest skin;
This is the place where it does begin.
Start at the bottom, helps you rise to the top,
Firm foundations, makes sure you won't stop.

Don't want you falling, flat on your face
Having to pull out of this magnificent race.
Turning your training into one big farce
Because you forgot to look after your arse!

Left cheek, right cheek you could turn the other
But come on sisters, come on mothers,
A word of advice, it doesn't get easier
Look after your asset, your prized posterior

Here's to the ladies preparation done
Yorkshire beckons riding miles in the sun
Banter and hard work - now live your dream
But don't forget the Chamois Cream!

Hill Climbs

Steep sierras, these mountains treat them with disdain,
Incline, hill sides, why this choice of bloody pain?
Piles, peaks, humps; grumpy, I'll call them what I like.
I'll climb them on my trusty bike;
No escape from these escarpments.
These peaks, their precipice, the valleys steep,
The ridges, ascending how I'll creep;
Seeming never ending.
Review approach, at altitude add attitude, 
Remember, meander use the camber!
Perspire, rise higher, gruelling, Mountain Fuel refueling, 
Energy in abundance, most gears are now redundant.
No let up, no respite, as I fight tired respiration.
Fired legs, fired belly makes for perspiration,

But with essential rehydration, dedication to elevations,
Elation!  Another peak conquest.
No time for rest, another battle beckons!
Remember Yorkshire Lasses. Best!

Afternoon Tea Conundrum

I consulted my phone.
Is it a scone, or is it a scone?
Siri's tone scone:
Alexa's gone scone!

Am I out on on my own,
If I say it's a scone?
Or part of the throng,
If I say it's a scone?

Will they leave me alone,
Because I said it's a scone?
When they've left, and they've gone
Because I said it's a scone.

Did I say in wrong tone,
I think it's a scone?
Will they sigh, will they groan,
If I ask for a scone?

Am I right, am I wrong
For deciding on scone?
Will red card be shown
If I say it's a scone!

If I'd have known,
I wouldn't have said scone.
But then again if I settled on,
Saying it's a scone,

Would it be right, and will I be long,
There's a long queue forming along!
I'd better ask for a scone,
And be gone,
Or should I go home,
And just eat my scone?
Oh whatever this tea etiquette,
I'll ask Siobhan and see what I get!

First hurdle over that's some fun done
Before the sultana, raisin conundrum
Then there's the challenge of the cream or the jam?
Am I a mouse or am I a man?

Milk in the cup first, followed by tea,
Or tea then the milk the way it should be?
Afternoon tea! Complicated if you lets it
Negotiation points now added to Brexit!

Dalmatian Coast

Rugged rocks, the whitened stone,
Amongst the beauty of the olive groves:
Croation coast, oh you can boast:
Dalmatia you are the perfect host!
Adriatic blue, so crystal too;
Amid the mountain vistas true.
Flotillas sail, Dubrovnik bound,
Or find Hvar, the idyll harbour sound;
Brac, with Zlatni Rac, to stroll around,
Paradise in the islands found!
Nestled in Pogdora old, is the
Villa in Krzanici.
Shutters green, this utter scene,
Of bliss, a blessed dream.
With terraced pool for relaxation;
Or endless paths and bikes for exploration!
Swallows flit and dance, as in a trance:
Dip and dive to drink and prance,
Til blown by Bora wind off course,
In search of purest water source!
Luxurious space, to rest unwind.
Leaves Croatian love entwined:
A visit to this coast a must
A toast: In Croatia trust!

Motor Home

Scent of adventure in aroma home
Add sense to go way wind is blown
Taste buds tingle at this travelling tryst
Feeling of freedom as off you whist

Two troubles packed in this new kit bag
All the toys, tools in this swag
Stealing moments together in tow
Escape is beckoning now off you go

Rome wasn't coach built in a day
Home of leisure wills you on your way
Luxurious lounging lies ahead
Skippering voyages with your own bed

Take your time meanader dont race
Marathon spirit in your own space
Head off to solace in your personal sun
But don't forget you need class one!

Prudential Ride 100 Giggs Hill Green Hub

Kings of bouncy castle, Kings of the roads,
Heading to Kingston, oh how they rode!
Thousands on thousands, cyclists came in their droves?
Brothers & sisters sharing the load.

Unsure on the weather, Giggs Hill Hub on the green,
The rain of last evening; may need submarine!
Fairground attractions, kept weather at bay,
The sound of the cycling swept rain drops away.

Hum of those wheels, those tiring legs wind,
Finding the respite, now hills left behind;
Beating of drums, or pans, kitchen sinks,
Waving those flags, on Green glasses chink,

Reasons for riding emblazoned on chests,
Hearts of inspiring, if needing a rest.
Floods of sweat, tears; all the changing of gears,
Steering to London? In sight now it nears!

Pink Princess Alice Hospice with white battle bus,
Creating the music, information and stuff,
Local bands playing , entertaining the crowds,
Cheering the throng, full voice and out loud!

Enjoyment for all, selling beer and some grub,
Treasure hunt action in Giggs Hill Green Hub;
Come and get tattoos they're just 50p,
Or play 5-a-side with Esher FC!

Standing, tiered seating a glance at the fleeting,
Professionals race by, what a rhythm they're beating,
The whoosh of the wheels, a clean pair of heels,
With wind in their faces, we know how it feels!

Gone in a flash the day it is done
And thankfully at last some late evening sun,
To all those who came to will those wheels round
Thank you and hopefully we raised healing pounds!

Good Evans Fix em

Trouble with your trusty steed,
Or one that's rusty and just needs,
Some love care and attention?

Whether folding bike with cycle clips,
Or used for occasional shopping trips,
We've relevant qualifications!

Look take a trip to Evans Cycles
Prices that won't take the michael
To repair and give inspection!

Here today to repair and fix,
Our technicians have all the tricks,
To ensure your satisfaction!

Carbon bikes, it might seem random
We can even service tandems;
We thought that worth a mention!

Yorkshire Lass Sportive

Time for the Sportive. Whether you are or you're not,
Get on your bike, we don't give a jot.
Swap netball skirt with all of its pleats,
To chamois shorts with your cycle shoe cleats!

Farewell to hockey skorts, say hello to the lycra
Yorkshire Lass Cycling Club will certainly inspire yer

There'll be fun on the way, they'll help you get round

Challenge, achievement, support will be found;

In the tea rooms supplying you replenishing cakes,
There'll be fuel gels too, if it's a more serious take.

Come and join in, be relaxing be fun,
Forging new friendships, with hopefully some sun.

Get on your bike it is a great course,
Keep an eye out for that bloody great horse,
Start is in Thirsk, for some Yorkshire fresh air,
August the 20th, we'll see you there!

Yorkshire Lass CC

If you've been inspired by t Olympics
On velodrome or road
Get on your bike and join us chicks
Cycling's so in vogue

You don't have to be Lizzie Armistead
A bike is all you need
Come on girls get out of bed
Escape how you'll be freed

Take part without the scowls
Mamils please move out the way
Make way for us the Owls
Old blokes you've had your day

Riding out from Wetherby
Exercise the bike and mind
Such views and fine Dales revelry
Hidden treasures for you to find

And if the thought of lycra
Your enthusiasm it crops
Theres a team of lovely lady Tykes
To encourage with tea stops!

Feel free to come and join us
On sportives or gentle rides
Its fun without a lot of fuss
We're like the new girl guides!

Yorkshire Spirit Sportive

Like Boudiccas on bicycles,
Jovial Joan of Arcs!
I'm sure it is advisable,
To Yorkshire! On your marks!

Your personal Norman conquests,
Own Battles of Agincourt;
Together you will give your best,
With this quest for more.

A thirst for Thirsk, own Waterloos,
The spirit of Dunkirk,
Resilience of our QE2,
You grafters will not shirk!

Cameraderie built upon 2 wheels,
Earning spurs to encourage on,
Wills of iron and Sheffield steel,
I hope with the odd song!

Now all be crowned Queens of the road,
Competitive streaks at stake,
Honesty's policy within our souls:
We'll be serving tea n cakes!

Grass

I’m obsessed with my grass.
I’ve decided it’s down alas,
To my own sad lack of coverage.
A substitute for my thinning thatch
A topiary toupee of colours that match
I should stick to an alcoholic beverage.
 
An attempt to make it thick with bounce
I better not mention an odd ounce,
When referring to my obsession.
And words like weed could be misconstrued
Depending on how it has been viewed
There’s no need for a confession.
 
My love of grass and hate of weeds
Means a ceaseless spread of seeds,
To cover the balding patches.
My tendered lawn that’s always watered
Forever fed I feel I’m tortured
By weeds with endless hatches.
 
Moss keep off, I’ve decreed no weeds.
Yet they always appear and my heart now bleeds
To end this ceaseless fight.
And I feel that now I must give in
But those weeds they shall not win.
I’ll wage war once more against this blight.
 
So on to scarify and rarify
And seaweed strength to fortify,
To feed the lawn to give me hope
Against those dreaded dandelions
That infest and shackle me in irons.
A cry for help to a retired Pope!
 
Feeding lawns with Grass conditioner and aftercut
More like a salon than a garden hut.
I’ll call on laws long arms or truncheon
To keep grass green and weeds well fought
And take it to the highest court.
Weeds here’s a super injunction!
 
Oh for my love of grass and tendered lawns
Those weeds now make me so forlorn
At tethers’ end and almost fled.
Rescue me from these tormentors
Perhaps I should call upon cementers
And have a patio instead!

EuroMillions

Dear Sir or Madam I strongly disagree,
A return on our investment is what we need to see.
Invest the money wisely, in a bank account,
Or put it into stocks and shares and see the value mount.
The lottery is for gamblers, for drunkards and for bums
And all of those people who don't how to do their sums!
I don't condone the lottery, put money where it's secure
Away from wildest riches that the lottery does allure.
Hmm let me think this through again, do you think that we can win?
For £76m you can definitely count me in!

Blue Bells

As we wander through the bluebell woods
On a milky sun spring day
What tale of hope to do us good?
What secret did another say?
What story does each blue bell hide
From us two walking side by side?

We stroll along well trodden route,
That guides us on our winding way.
The blue bell path it keeps us true
We follow the lead of flowers that sway
In gentle breeze, our lengthened stride
Should we in bluebells too confide?

Those blue bells give woodland floor cover
Oh silent bells you tranquil blue
You warm our hearts and like a lover
Promise to keep our secrets few.
Your wrapping hug that's like no other
Sight hold me tight, keep sake forever!

The birds too add their own dawn chorus
To hide our whispering wondrous way.
Do they highlight those who've gone before us?
Follow our hopes and dreams each day
The spring time scene serene inspires
Azure blue view never tires!

They've now gone on to other stories
The peeling bells that welcome in
They walk in heaven's blue bell glories
With fresh thoughts a spring beginning
So thank you comforting blue bell flowers
We should stroll amongst you all for hours!

Plantar Fasciitis or flexible working

I caused a hiatus with my Plantar Fasciitis.
A sore foot, flat foot, Policeman's heel;
I find it painful, it makes me squeal.
It might be ruptured, it might be torn,
But whatever happened it's old and warn!
I used to be flexible, could bend and stretch;
Touching toes on my memory etched!
Hamstring, quadriceps, stretching all my bits,
But I must admit I could never do the splits!

Now I'm getting older my head thinks I can,
But my body seems to fight it, says, "No way man!"
Get to the office on a crutch, as it's non weight bearing?
Commuting to London I would end up swearing,
Doc says rest it, ice it, compression, elevation,
It's hard in the office but the art of delegation.
And now we're promoting flexible working;
I work from home as there's no more shirking.

Tijuana Brass Re-form to take on Trump

60's  American Brass sensation Tijuana Brass set to re-form in the fight against Trump's plan for the wall across the entire length of the Mexican border.
"Bringing the old band boys back together, along with my old LA session buddies known as the Wrecking Crew, seemed to make perfect sense," said Pablo Horn, lead trombonist from the ensemble, in a statement.
"Playing classics from our famous brass themed albums "Whipped Cream and other Delights" as well as  "Going Places" and "A taste of honey" seemed to give the perfect blend and combination, giving the American dream a sense of biblical proportions," he added. "We intend to bring the wall down, very much like we used to do when brought the house down at the height of our fame in the early 60s." He went on
"This is our Jericho, and if blowing trumpets can work for Joshua in bringing walls down, we certainly think it can work for us." He concluded. "Trump is a God fearing man and we don't want him to blow it so early on into his Presidency."

There are also reports that cartoon character Speedy Gonzalez was also set on disrupting the wall building efforts of the United States by stealing cheese from the lunch boxes of the wall builders. Looney Tunes were unable to confirm his involvement in any of this industrial espionage but the CIA however informed President Trump that they had  creditable evidence from an undercover operative in the form of a catalogue. Sylvester the nemesis of Speedy was unavailable for comment.

Toast to the Lassies

Oh my love, like a piece of toast.
Of course not burned, would be so gross;

Not underdone, nor overdone

But of course a piece, the perfect one.

A lassie may prefer her toast,

Perfected is the way of most.

Not as it comes, like the way of men;

It won't "just do" popped up and then

Placed on a plate with slapped on jam,

Hits the table. Here's your breakfast. Slam!

But perfect form this golden slice
Of life, timed, done right at any price.
The melting butter upon it spread,
The marmalade or jam for toasted bread;
Accompaniment of fine Nutella,
I hope that I can be your fella:
And if from grace I have once fallen,
I hope that I can come a callin',
Butter side up, I land in favour,
The taste so crisp and one to savour,
I am no fool: I bear in mind 2 second rule.
Would you be a person oh so cruel?
Wholemeal, seeded, like golden dust,
A toast to you dears. Would you be my crust?

BA Cabin Crew resolve ongoing disputes

Striking BA Cabin Crew steps in to resolve disputes at Southern Rail and on London Underground. 

Secretary of State for Transport, Chris Railing was delighted that both sides in each of the separate arguments had at last seen sense and come to agreements on their ongoing disputes.
"They are such simple solutions and it's great to see a cross pollination between these two main transport industries. Cooperation, compromise and learning from others is essential if we are to make Britain great again." He said in a statement. The RMT were also upbeat on reaching agreement.
"I can't believe we didn't think of it earlier" said Tom Picket of the RMT, as he left ACAS satisfied that agreement had been reached to move forward. 
The idea was sparked by striking First Class Pursor, Tim Piggot-Smythe of British Airways, who had the first class idea of re branding the traditional TFL ticket office, to "London Underground's Champagne and Oyster Bar". The new Oyster Bars, complete with swivelling bar stools, silver trays and dickie bows will add to the panache of travelling on the underground, and make it a much more memorable experience. Traveling at this level is about the perfect experience. Obviously retraining of staff will be required and I'm happy to step in; but it will at least allow the offices to remain open in this new and exciting format," said Piggot-Smythe in a statement.

"It's a real winner and I'm cock-a-hoop" said Picket, "and although we need to iron out the finer detail we are happy to call off today's strike and continue our discussions over a cocktail or two."

Safety concerns in the ongoing Southern Rail dispute were also overcome by the timely intervention of the BA Cabin Crew who proposed a tried and trusted approach. "Doors to manual and cross check" a saying synonymous with air travel safety and a calming influence on the most nervous of traveler would be used at each station before the doors were to be opened. Leonard Stryker from ASLEF said in a statement, "I'm glad all parties saw sense in the end and this closes the door on the dispute."
At the time of writing, the BA Cabin Crew dispute was ongoing, but Railing was hoping for intervention from the Road Hauliers Association. Railing added "We really need the BA Cabin Crew to sort out congestion on the roads too, but giving each vehicle their own "seat number" and asking them to wait in a departure car park before they can travel needs a bit more thought" he concluded.

Storks strike plan

Storks plan industrial action in protest of new government modernisation plan to use drones to deliver babies.
"We've been responsible for delivering babies for centuries." Stated Bill Kerry leader of UNTIE . "Ok so we had problems during the industrial age with the the use of new farming nethods which affected our performance and we struggled to meet our strict delivery time windows but made a bundle of changes and have been delivering on promises ever since. Why this government has to put at risk our livelihood today is beyond me." Kerry said. "I understand the added pressure on the NHS, but this is a slippery slope for the future of Storks in the region. Add to this the unregulated use of drones with the unknown safety risk and it's just an accident waiting to happen." Kerry added
We are open to negotiations and just ask that the government talks to storks before implementing any rash changes or putting the bill before parliament."
It's not as though we are burying our heads in the sand - that's Ostriches. We are happy to sit around the negotiating table, but baby safety and parent well being are our primary concerns." He concluded

Parking fines to make up for tax shortfall

Kingston Council takes to parking fines to recoup for Coffee Chain tax avoidance scheme.

A Surbiton local received a parking fine for parking in a loading bay for 2 minutes at 8:22am 31st Dec 2016 whilst purchasing Almond Croissants. "As I came to load them into my vehicle that I had foolishly not constructed or adapted for use for the carriage or haulage of Almond croissants, I noticed that I had received a Penalty Charge Notice which has subsequently been confirmed as issued correctly" said Surbiton local Pat Issary.
The Surbiton man stated that when asking the Civil Enforcement Officer (CEO) for the reason for Penalty Charge Notice when the sign stated "Mon-Sat 9am-6:30pm pay at machine" the CEO explained that he had not made the necessary modifications to the vehicle and therefore  could not park in a loading bay between 7am and 9am and load Almond croissants and deliver them safely to his home. The CEO further explained that Plain Croissants, Pain au Chocolat and even muffins would have been suitable for transportation, but this tax in particular only applies to Almond Croissants.
"We have to recoup for the Starbucks tax avoidance scheme, and Almond Croissants is the simplest way" the CEO said.
"I'm pretty annoyed" said Pat "If I had carefully read all the information pertaining to parking before leaving my vehicle, I would have visited the nearest garage that adapts vehicles for the purpose of carriage or haulage of almond croissants. It's as simple as that. To be honest I hold the Costa across the road responsible as they didn't have any almond croissants in stock!"

Kingston clamp down on over protective parents

Following a spate of anti social incidents in Kingston on Friday and Saturday nights Kingston Council has had to take on special measures to stop the actions of over protective parents.
Tom Father, head of Bus Stop Use at the council,  said in a statement. "Over Protective Parents think it acceptable between 10pm and Midnight to pull up in bus stops in the vicinity of Prism night spot, drop off their children and drive off within a minute. It's an absolute disgrace," he continued. "Why they don't pull up to the kerbside on the one way system to discharge their kids is beyond me. It's not as though there's much traffic at that time of night. Or better still pull into one of the many dimly lit side streets to let their precious cargo out. It would be much safer for all concerned. We cannot have the possibility of the one bus per half an hour not being able to pull in and let passengers alight or board."
One youth, who wanted to remain nameless,  because he'd drunk so much and couldn't remember his name, said whilst urinating behind the bus stop, "It is a total public inconvenience. If I'd have wanted to get on the bus I wouldn't have been able to"
Father added, "In order to combat the escalating problem within the city we're going to install mobile CCTV cameras at every available bus stop in the city centre. This thoughtless and anti social behaviour is totally unacceptable and we plan to curb this blight on Kingston once and for all"

Sorry I haven't a Clue comes to Kingston

As an antidote to rigid and sensible planning, Kingston council used a planning  think tank along the same lines as a popular Radio 4 panel game to drive change to road use within the borough.
"In order to bring Kingston into the 21st century we needed to do something creative" said Colin Wheeler head of Creative Initiatives at the council, "With the large grant from TFL, as well as continued questions around the value of the BBC TV licence fee we felt we had to create a programme to answers these questions and our strategy certainly did that" he said in a statement.
"Obviously there were a few funny looks within council chambers when Jack Dee entered to announce his involvement in the scheme, but bringing show regulars Barry Cryer, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Jeremy Hardy to the team to assist with traffic planning was a no brainer" he added,  "and with the growth in electric vehicles we certainly had a coup there with Colin Cell at the helm of that initiative."
Samantha, another of the show's regulars was looking forward to her best laid plans being unveiled.
"Some people think we are a laughing stock, but what a programme." Added Wheeler. "The team really did create innovative answers to our problems and you only need to take a look at the results to see how successful the programme has been.

Scheme 1 Surbiton Crescent (Change the use of the road without sufficient signage or notification. Road users gamble as to whether they can drive down or not)
Scheme 2 One road for the use of another (Portsmouth Road a large arterial route is cut in half and a cycle lane built. Cars, lorries and busses fight to use the remaining half  )
Scheme 3 Car charades (Portsmouth Road - At special times of the day notified by a traffic lights  system, cars Blair their horns and pretend to be bicycles so can therefore use the cycle lane)
Scheme 4 Late arrivals (Most trips into Kingston)

Some critics have argued that comedy is a non transferable skill, but we have shown that if you put your mind to it, these types of creative collaborations can make the difference.
Other councils will be looking on with envy" he concluded.

Kingston upon Thames vehicle schemes

Kingston Council over the moon with new Surbiton Crescent charging scheme

Colin Carwright spokesman for the Road Traffic Department of Kingston Council was over joyed with success of the scheme. "I can't explain it really" he said. "We put up some bollards and just changed the use of the road and didn't notify anyone. We thought the original fee of £65 to use the area was on the high side but local residents and people not so local had been using it and happy to pay. Any talk of residents being in a road rage over the traffic calming scheme is nonsense" he said in a statement. "It's turned into a nice little earner. Over 21000 tickets in 5 weeks is exceptional, bordering on premiership footballers weekly wages," he added. "We should be able to pay for additional developments to the Cycle scheme along the Portsmouth Road within a couple of months. 
Following the success we plan to expand the programme and will probably pedestrianise Surbiton High Street. You'll find out with a fine when it happens" He added.
Watch this space for further news

Kingston council to introduce first Smart Cycle Lane

Following the success of the Smart Motorway programme which allows the use of the hard shoulder at busy periods by using over head gantries and a traffic light system and red Xs, Kingston council is to implement a similar solution on the new cycle lane along the Portsmouth Road.
Roger Roadrunner , Head of Road Efficiency at the council said in a statement , "At busy times the lights would change to green allowing vehicles traveling towards Kingston to straddle the curb edge, utilise the cycle lane and make room for cars travelling away from Kingston, especially outside St Raphael's Church where it gets a bit tight when parishioners park for mass.
The Smart system allows vehicles to have half the vehicle use the cycle lane and half use the main highway. As long as only 2 wheels use the cycle lane it is like a bike in a way, so it should be ok", he added. "There is plenty of room for bikes in the other half of the lane, or if pushed, bikes could hop onto the pavements and use that. Pedestrians can use the bloody great promenade by the river. It's about using space efficiently and providing cost effective services for the local community," he concluded. "We did run a survey amongst our team, and thought it would be a good idea."
Of course modifications to current vehicles maybe required to have sufficient ground clearance over the curb but local car dealerships were said to be excited by the news. "We can offer ground clearance checks" said a spokesman who also reported a spike in interest for the new vehicle classification - SUV Shopping Utility Vehicle. It's a normal 4WD with a £5k premium added for use of the scheme. Please pop into Coopers BMW Thames Ditton, Dagenham Ford,
Thames Ditton Honda or Guy Salmon where they can provide a range of large SUV vehicles with suitable ground clearance to meet any of your Smartt Cycle Lane use requirements .