Storks strike plan

Storks plan industrial action in protest of new government modernisation plan to use drones to deliver babies.
"We've been responsible for delivering babies for centuries." Stated Bill Kerry leader of UNTIE . "Ok so we had problems during the industrial age with the the use of new farming nethods which affected our performance and we struggled to meet our strict delivery time windows but made a bundle of changes and have been delivering on promises ever since. Why this government has to put at risk our livelihood today is beyond me." Kerry said. "I understand the added pressure on the NHS, but this is a slippery slope for the future of Storks in the region. Add to this the unregulated use of drones with the unknown safety risk and it's just an accident waiting to happen." Kerry added
We are open to negotiations and just ask that the government talks to storks before implementing any rash changes or putting the bill before parliament."
It's not as though we are burying our heads in the sand - that's Ostriches. We are happy to sit around the negotiating table, but baby safety and parent well being are our primary concerns." He concluded

Sorry I haven't a Clue comes to Kingston

As an antidote to rigid and sensible planning, Kingston council used a planning  think tank along the same lines as a popular Radio 4 panel game to drive change to road use within the borough.
"In order to bring Kingston into the 21st century we needed to do something creative" said Colin Wheeler head of Creative Initiatives at the council, "With the large grant from TFL, as well as continued questions around the value of the BBC TV licence fee we felt we had to create a programme to answers these questions and our strategy certainly did that" he said in a statement.
"Obviously there were a few funny looks within council chambers when Jack Dee entered to announce his involvement in the scheme, but bringing show regulars Barry Cryer, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Jeremy Hardy to the team to assist with traffic planning was a no brainer" he added,  "and with the growth in electric vehicles we certainly had a coup there with Colin Cell at the helm of that initiative."
Samantha, another of the show's regulars was looking forward to her best laid plans being unveiled.
"Some people think we are a laughing stock, but what a programme." Added Wheeler. "The team really did create innovative answers to our problems and you only need to take a look at the results to see how successful the programme has been.

Scheme 1 Surbiton Crescent (Change the use of the road without sufficient signage or notification. Road users gamble as to whether they can drive down or not)
Scheme 2 One road for the use of another (Portsmouth Road a large arterial route is cut in half and a cycle lane built. Cars, lorries and busses fight to use the remaining half  )
Scheme 3 Car charades (Portsmouth Road - At special times of the day notified by a traffic lights  system, cars Blair their horns and pretend to be bicycles so can therefore use the cycle lane)
Scheme 4 Late arrivals (Most trips into Kingston)

Some critics have argued that comedy is a non transferable skill, but we have shown that if you put your mind to it, these types of creative collaborations can make the difference.
Other councils will be looking on with envy" he concluded.

Kingston upon Thames vehicle schemes

Kingston Council over the moon with new Surbiton Crescent charging scheme

Colin Carwright spokesman for the Road Traffic Department of Kingston Council was over joyed with success of the scheme. "I can't explain it really" he said. "We put up some bollards and just changed the use of the road and didn't notify anyone. We thought the original fee of £65 to use the area was on the high side but local residents and people not so local had been using it and happy to pay. Any talk of residents being in a road rage over the traffic calming scheme is nonsense" he said in a statement. "It's turned into a nice little earner. Over 21000 tickets in 5 weeks is exceptional, bordering on premiership footballers weekly wages," he added. "We should be able to pay for additional developments to the Cycle scheme along the Portsmouth Road within a couple of months. 
Following the success we plan to expand the programme and will probably pedestrianise Surbiton High Street. You'll find out with a fine when it happens" He added.
Watch this space for further news

Kingston council to introduce first Smart Cycle Lane

Following the success of the Smart Motorway programme which allows the use of the hard shoulder at busy periods by using over head gantries and a traffic light system and red Xs, Kingston council is to implement a similar solution on the new cycle lane along the Portsmouth Road.
Roger Roadrunner , Head of Road Efficiency at the council said in a statement , "At busy times the lights would change to green allowing vehicles traveling towards Kingston to straddle the curb edge, utilise the cycle lane and make room for cars travelling away from Kingston, especially outside St Raphael's Church where it gets a bit tight when parishioners park for mass.
The Smart system allows vehicles to have half the vehicle use the cycle lane and half use the main highway. As long as only 2 wheels use the cycle lane it is like a bike in a way, so it should be ok", he added. "There is plenty of room for bikes in the other half of the lane, or if pushed, bikes could hop onto the pavements and use that. Pedestrians can use the bloody great promenade by the river. It's about using space efficiently and providing cost effective services for the local community," he concluded. "We did run a survey amongst our team, and thought it would be a good idea."
Of course modifications to current vehicles maybe required to have sufficient ground clearance over the curb but local car dealerships were said to be excited by the news. "We can offer ground clearance checks" said a spokesman who also reported a spike in interest for the new vehicle classification - SUV Shopping Utility Vehicle. It's a normal 4WD with a £5k premium added for use of the scheme. Please pop into Coopers BMW Thames Ditton, Dagenham Ford,
Thames Ditton Honda or Guy Salmon where they can provide a range of large SUV vehicles with suitable ground clearance to meet any of your Smartt Cycle Lane use requirements .