Green salad

Invited to a barbecue;
Oh what can I bring? 
Marinated chicken? 
Home recipe's the thing. 
Paprika cayenne sticky and thick
With hint of turmeric! 
Or home made, crafted burgers
Imbibed with whisky and gin. 
Or home baked bread, ciabatta?
Brioche best fresh made baps?
I can knock up a quick tabbouleh 
Fattoush? No looking back
Or shall I bring a dessert? 
Pavlova? Bake a cake? 
Or signature dish fruit pudding? 
There's many things I make. 
Roulade of cream, fresh strawberries, 
With raspberry coulis, 
Banoffee pie, a cheese cake.
There's no way to fool me! 
Or if the last resort's your wish, 
Ta da! Well here it is!
I bought a bag of salad 
And stuck it in a dish! 

I need the loo

Now, when you get to a certain age,

Consider one thing, as you turn your page.

Before you walk out of your front door,

You maybe have been a minute before,

But pay a wee visit just once more;

You never know what trouble may lay in store!

Meticulous planning of your journey's end,

Root cause analysis for the time you'll spend,

On roads, on paths, as you make your way;

Loose change in pockets, if you have to pay.

A tissue for your nose, or if caught short,

Handy to have on hand, you'll be glad you brought!

No room for paralysis, as we think you'll see,

Local analysis if you need to wee.

Pointers, plan and reconnoitre,

Obviously outside loos please don't loiter,

And you'll save yourself a lot of bother

If you also learn rules on how to hover!

  

Limited proximity to certain perimeters,

Could be seen as enjoyment limiter.

Make sure you stay within a waddling range,

Ignore onlookers, cross legged and strange.

Equidistant from the public loo,

Toilet convenience be on hand for you.

There are now more things that you must not trust,

Trapped wind, maybe not merely a gust

A rain shower today was not forecast,

Spending a penny, will you be outcast? 

To combat a gust  or a mighty blast. 

Quick where's the toilet, I need one fast!

Never ever ever, just pass one by,

Passing a toilet, like a sinful lie.

Always pay a visit, you'll be relieved,

Better to give in, than to receive

A shock, so quickly, unlock and howl:

Revenge movement of my mistrusting bowel! 

You may think that you have mental strength,

The bladder of an ox, go for any length,

But never ride past because as you do,

Voice in your head says, "I need the loo"

Advice I hope that you'll take on board,

As you crave and visit the great outdoors.

You reach for the skies, urethra reminds,

Listen to your bladder and please be kind.

If you have to go, best never say no.

Find a bush and squat down low.

Not a wedding vow, but yes I do!

Any ideas where's the nearest loo?

Trains a few of my favourite things

Rain drops on roses
And puddles in Dittons
Brollys on Platforms and no seats to sit on
Grey clouds above oh what chaos it brings
These are a few of my favourite things

Track circuit failures
And some times derailments
Guards and train drivers on strike or with ailments
Commuting to London such arrows and slings
These are a few of my favourite things

Icy conditions
Now points that are frozen
A dozen excuses to pick from or chosen
Short notice amendments or just cancelling
Trains won't be running my favourite things

When the guard strikes
Stuck in sidings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad

No copper cables
Uprooted or stolen
Cutting removing hope make pockets swollen
Trains they aren't running there's no signalling 
These are a few of my favourite things 

Delays on the network 
It seems there's no power
A late running train will it come in the hour
Getting to work on a prayer and a wing
These are a few of my favourite things 

Leaves on the line
We are changing timetable
Broken down train we will fix if are able
Sorry for service and all our failings 
Trying to repair our favourite things 

Works on the weekend
That may affect journey 
Check the timetable you better start early
Here is list of the routes not runn-ing
These are a few of my favourite things 

Trains run reduced speed, 
Disruption to service
Congestion announcement make sure that you heard this
Delays to your journey now there's  tresspassing
These are a few of my favourite things 

New signal failure
At Waterloo Junction 
Delays on the network we no longer function 
Hot days in Britain what chaos it brings
Sweating togther my favourite things 

When the guard strikes
Stuck in sidings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Dear Sir David Brailsford

I was down in pub wi me son last night he's a right big fan a yours
Tells me there's some trouble brewing wi route of this years tour
He said to me dear Fatha you've done it, seen it all
There's cobbles causing concern can you give Sir Dave a call
 
I know in pursuit of perfection you leave no stone unturned
I'd like to offer an 'elping hand me knowledge is well earned
Preparing blokes wi bicyles, usin' right propper wheels that's round
It's about Planning layin foundations preparin' winning ground
 
Which is 'andy with them cobbles I'll need somehow to turn em smooth
To keep Geraint and Chris Froome in front and on the move
You see I've always rode to bakery, to go deliver t bread
I've learned to conquer cobbles, I'm an expert its been said
 
I am very scientific me, when there's trouble down at Mill
I'll bring an innovation then bugger off up ill 
If there's any other problem like a spool missing from treddle
I'll fix that too don't worry before I go and pedal 

It's a fine line makes the difference between first and second place
I can help wi' preparation if TeamSky's to win this race.
It can be oh so technical, it's also in the mind
Especially when there's cobbled streets It can be such a grind

I know them cobbles are tricky,  to stay upright's a fight
Them cobbles are right tricky and I acknowledge Froomey's fright
For sixty years I've rode round here, just once I had a spill
When Mary from the Bakery, she walked on t cobbled hill

For me this was a turning point I was young and cycling slow
On't cobbled streets it's dangerous don't go too fast tha knows 
I applied sufficient pressure to me brakes both front and back
Me front wheel caught a cobble and I hit ground with a smack

But Mary was on hand to help mop my bloodied brow
To tell me, "Watch them cobbles lad" (I wish we'd married now!)
She told me see them cobbles imagine bubbles full of air
You'll be carried you'be lifted like on a set of Stannah stairs

Ensure you're in survival mode other lads won't feel the same
But you will burst their bubbles lad and they'll feel all the pain.
I still float across them cobbles and deliver bread on t bike
Though Mary is not with us she had to take a hike

I've overcome cobbles challenge, it wa' bubbles that saw me through
I called it Cobbles Conquered It'll work for Teamsky too
So Sir David I'm available if you'd like some of my psychology
I can help wi teams nutrition too, a slice o bread wi Tea

So if you're in the area and need a little Yorkshire nouse
You will all be very welcome to pop around me house
To talk about a strategy drink tea in my front room
Aye and bring Geraint with you and last years winner Froome

The kettle will be boiling, Yorkshire tea brewing in the pot
The fire will be stoked up it'll be cosy for you lot.
They say there is no I in TEAM and I know the reason why
Is there room for ME A(n') T(ea) in next season's TeamSky?

Giro Training TeamSky

Change those gears drop those cogs
Pedal like those cycling gods
Nero fiddles while Rome burns
Thighs on fire wheels just turn

Chain set cadence tempo high
Spin it out the end is nigh
Power pedals power cranks
Power zones you've trained with thanks

Balanced structured progressive load
Training active recovery mode
Intensity built from base to top
Heart rate monitored race to stop

Endurance tempo lactate threshold
Cycling fitness will unfold
Be Cycling Caelus gods of sky
Come on Team it's time to fly 

 

Giro Italia Team Sky

As you saddle up your works of art
Grande Partenza or your Big Start
Prepare for vistas prepare for views
Oh lead us on you mystic muse. 

Take on montagna or small collina 
Routes designed and rides to free you
Challenges in countryside
Or Adriatica the place to ride

Golden sands or mountains green
Steep ascents or rolling free
Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo
On Dogma steeds, ride fine fellows

Versace, Dolce and Armani 
Sing operatic chorus of Puccini
Or Verdi, Bellini and Rossini
Someliers drink in the famous vini

Grigio, Chianti taste Barolo
Ride Pesco Sannita to Gran Sasso
From Penne to Gualdo Tadino
Assisi, St Francis ride Osimo

From Umbro through Marchean Appenines
Muri with its punchy climbs
Be Cycling Caelus gods of Sky
Come on Team it's time to fly! 

Bottom Butter!

Ride100 few weeks to go
Lycra legs supple, stubble on show.
Days we're counting, tension mounting,
On hide toughened backside I am counting!

Come on Riders, get ready for the roar,
But be prepared for the saddle sore.
Soothing words from physio uttered,
Make sure you've packed your bottom butter!

Rasping, chaffing on softest skin;
This is the place where it does begin.
Start at the bottom, helps you rise to the top,
Firm foundations, makes sure you won't stop.

Don't want you falling, flat on your face
Having to pull out of this magnificent race.
Turning your training into one big farce
Because you forgot to look after your arse!

Left cheek, right cheek you could turn the other
But come on sister, come on brother,
A word of advice, it doesn't get easier
Look after your asset, your prized posterior

Here's to the Riders, preparation done
You'll be ready for riding miles in the sun.
Banter and hard work - now live your dream,
But don't forget the chamois cream!