Sorry I haven't a Clue comes to Kingston

As an antidote to rigid and sensible planning, Kingston council used a planning  think tank along the same lines as a popular Radio 4 panel game to drive change to road use within the borough.
"In order to bring Kingston into the 21st century we needed to do something creative" said Colin Wheeler head of Creative Initiatives at the council, "With the large grant from TFL, as well as continued questions around the value of the BBC TV licence fee we felt we had to create a programme to answers these questions and our strategy certainly did that" he said in a statement.
"Obviously there were a few funny looks within council chambers when Jack Dee entered to announce his involvement in the scheme, but bringing show regulars Barry Cryer, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Jeremy Hardy to the team to assist with traffic planning was a no brainer" he added,  "and with the growth in electric vehicles we certainly had a coup there with Colin Cell at the helm of that initiative."
Samantha, another of the show's regulars was looking forward to her best laid plans being unveiled.
"Some people think we are a laughing stock, but what a programme." Added Wheeler. "The team really did create innovative answers to our problems and you only need to take a look at the results to see how successful the programme has been.

Scheme 1 Surbiton Crescent (Change the use of the road without sufficient signage or notification. Road users gamble as to whether they can drive down or not)
Scheme 2 One road for the use of another (Portsmouth Road a large arterial route is cut in half and a cycle lane built. Cars, lorries and busses fight to use the remaining half  )
Scheme 3 Car charades (Portsmouth Road - At special times of the day notified by a traffic lights  system, cars Blair their horns and pretend to be bicycles so can therefore use the cycle lane)
Scheme 4 Late arrivals (Most trips into Kingston)

Some critics have argued that comedy is a non transferable skill, but we have shown that if you put your mind to it, these types of creative collaborations can make the difference.
Other councils will be looking on with envy" he concluded.

Kingston upon Thames vehicle schemes

Kingston Council over the moon with new Surbiton Crescent charging scheme

Colin Carwright spokesman for the Road Traffic Department of Kingston Council was over joyed with success of the scheme. "I can't explain it really" he said. "We put up some bollards and just changed the use of the road and didn't notify anyone. We thought the original fee of £65 to use the area was on the high side but local residents and people not so local had been using it and happy to pay. Any talk of residents being in a road rage over the traffic calming scheme is nonsense" he said in a statement. "It's turned into a nice little earner. Over 21000 tickets in 5 weeks is exceptional, bordering on premiership footballers weekly wages," he added. "We should be able to pay for additional developments to the Cycle scheme along the Portsmouth Road within a couple of months. 
Following the success we plan to expand the programme and will probably pedestrianise Surbiton High Street. You'll find out with a fine when it happens" He added.
Watch this space for further news

Kingston council to introduce first Smart Cycle Lane

Following the success of the Smart Motorway programme which allows the use of the hard shoulder at busy periods by using over head gantries and a traffic light system and red Xs, Kingston council is to implement a similar solution on the new cycle lane along the Portsmouth Road.
Roger Roadrunner , Head of Road Efficiency at the council said in a statement , "At busy times the lights would change to green allowing vehicles traveling towards Kingston to straddle the curb edge, utilise the cycle lane and make room for cars travelling away from Kingston, especially outside St Raphael's Church where it gets a bit tight when parishioners park for mass.
The Smart system allows vehicles to have half the vehicle use the cycle lane and half use the main highway. As long as only 2 wheels use the cycle lane it is like a bike in a way, so it should be ok", he added. "There is plenty of room for bikes in the other half of the lane, or if pushed, bikes could hop onto the pavements and use that. Pedestrians can use the bloody great promenade by the river. It's about using space efficiently and providing cost effective services for the local community," he concluded. "We did run a survey amongst our team, and thought it would be a good idea."
Of course modifications to current vehicles maybe required to have sufficient ground clearance over the curb but local car dealerships were said to be excited by the news. "We can offer ground clearance checks" said a spokesman who also reported a spike in interest for the new vehicle classification - SUV Shopping Utility Vehicle. It's a normal 4WD with a £5k premium added for use of the scheme. Please pop into Coopers BMW Thames Ditton, Dagenham Ford,
Thames Ditton Honda or Guy Salmon where they can provide a range of large SUV vehicles with suitable ground clearance to meet any of your Smartt Cycle Lane use requirements .

Christmas Seating Plan

To relatives,visitors, friends and guests;
It's Christmas and you should have guessed.
Did you bring your personal seating,
As we join together for our Christmas greeting?

Around the table we need more chairs,
Go seek out seating to answer prayers;
Ornate whicker, bring down the stairs,
From garage bring out plastic garden wares.

Hidden under bedroom clothes,
For relatives that come in their droves.
Garden furniture, rickety some that squeaks,
Those fragile ones the old antiques;

Some once used around camp fire,
From low to medium and then to higher.
Mind your fingers, all hands on deck,
You can't use that oh what the heck!

Hide old and dirty under throws,
Cover up so no one knows,
Cover in cushions to raise them up,
Draw straws to make your luck,

Drag out chaise longue, sit on and dine,
But whilst consuming don't recline,
Please don't think a rude suggestion,
My thoughts will lead to indigestion!

Some will have to sit and rough it;
Seated  on old  kitchen buffet!
To finish the job, give us the tools,
Around the table we'll sit on stools.

Crammed around the Christmas table,
Like shepherds who came to visit the stable,
All are welcome to join our meal,
(It's got 4 legs my mother squeals)
Enjoy this family time together
Take your seat, on well, whatever!

Brexit Wines

Red, white, rosé not blue

the perfect wine we have for you

Sparkling, by the bottle, by the glass

Decanted into your carafe

Full bodied, light and crisp

Not too much to get you pissed

Ripe dark fruit vanilla aromas

Not too much to give hang overs

Black currant blackberry characteristics

14% vital statistics

Cabernet sauvignon with Merlot blend 

To be sommelier is my end

Find the perfect balance

Improve my nose ,my palate

Add freshness from the ripened vine

Versatile at any time

With chicken fish, red meat and veal

Perfect companion for any meal

With bread with game a must with cheese

I sense the scent of vineyard breeze

The wine best tasted whilst at home

No need for Europe no need to roam

I'll sample all  the wines I'll swoon

Of course i'll not need a spittoon

I'll savour every grapes last drop

Uncorked to breathe drink from the top

A connoisseur, a soupcon taster

And yes I'll end up really wasted!

Early Delivery

A carrot and some milk
A mince pie with a sherry
Left upon the mantel piece
To help them as they ferry

Gifts for all the children
Tip toe for silent sake
Kids that lie in bed asleep
The excited stay awake

Put dreams inside the pillow case
Hush the crackling sound
Of gift wrapped thoughts and images
That flicker all around

Fire burns warm and welcoming
Santa parks his sleigh

Descends into the chimney pot

It's always been this way

It seems that he is early

Down the chimney breast he turns

Until he nearly reaches hearth

On log burner bottom burned! 

According to the packing slip
Fire extinguished long ago
An error with the system
Glitch! There's no cooling snow!

Next year he'll put you down the list
Of his delivery scheduled ride
His bottom hopefully will have healed
Enjoy happy Yuletide !

Label's Fallen off

Christmas week's upon us
Presents wrapped in pretty bows
Placed beneath the Christmas tree
For who nobody knows

The labels they have come away
Sellotape has lost its stick
Enjoy the gift you'll get this year
A Christmas lucky dip

Tea my love ?

Oh finest lady, the finest brew,
You're fresh just like the morning dew.
The style the scent of perfect you.
Brewed from Tetley or Typhoo
Or Yorkshire Tea so strong, refining
Perhaps a tea thats brewed from Twinings

Refreshing, revitalising,
Tantilising, mesmerising!
No tea bag brew,
But leaves released
Spirit float free,
amongst the pot,
Infusing colour at any spot.
Faultless hostess
My girl, you swirl send in a whirl.
You flit and dance
You circulate and mingle,
You send us all a tingle.

Your character infusing colour,
Infectious, our clear water's duller,
A warming taint paints Autumn beige
A darker brown to calm from any rage.
Your mystery like Assam tea
Earl Grey perfect perfumery
To tantalise our taste buds
To send us out in gushing floods.
You pull our heart strings there
You are the blend beyond compare.
Refreshing, quenching,
Calming, soothing
A dash of milk to smooth the flavour
The finest tea the taste to savour
The taste tea leaves
Just time for one cup of wonderment
That is of course from heaven scent

So a toast to all the ladies here

Shall I put the kettle on dear?