Toast to the Lassies

Oh my love, like a piece of toast.
Of course not burned, would be so gross;

Not underdone, nor overdone

But of course a piece, the perfect one.

A lassie may prefer her toast,

Perfected is the way of most.

Not as it comes, like the way of men;

It won't "just do" popped up and then

Placed on a plate with slapped on jam,

Hits the table. Here's your breakfast. Slam!

But perfect form this golden slice
Of life, timed, done right at any price.
The melting butter upon it spread,
The marmalade or jam for toasted bread;
Accompaniment of fine Nutella,
I hope that I can be your fella:
And if from grace I have once fallen,
I hope that I can come a callin',
Butter side up, I land in favour,
The taste so crisp and one to savour,
I am no fool: I bear in mind 2 second rule.
Would you be a person oh so cruel?
Wholemeal, seeded, like golden dust,
A toast to you dears. Would you be my crust?

BA Cabin Crew resolve ongoing disputes

Striking BA Cabin Crew steps in to resolve disputes at Southern Rail and on London Underground. 

Secretary of State for Transport, Chris Railing was delighted that both sides in each of the separate arguments had at last seen sense and come to agreements on their ongoing disputes.
"They are such simple solutions and it's great to see a cross pollination between these two main transport industries. Cooperation, compromise and learning from others is essential if we are to make Britain great again." He said in a statement. The RMT were also upbeat on reaching agreement.
"I can't believe we didn't think of it earlier" said Tom Picket of the RMT, as he left ACAS satisfied that agreement had been reached to move forward. 
The idea was sparked by striking First Class Pursor, Tim Piggot-Smythe of British Airways, who had the first class idea of re branding the traditional TFL ticket office, to "London Underground's Champagne and Oyster Bar". The new Oyster Bars, complete with swivelling bar stools, silver trays and dickie bows will add to the panache of travelling on the underground, and make it a much more memorable experience. Traveling at this level is about the perfect experience. Obviously retraining of staff will be required and I'm happy to step in; but it will at least allow the offices to remain open in this new and exciting format," said Piggot-Smythe in a statement.

"It's a real winner and I'm cock-a-hoop" said Picket, "and although we need to iron out the finer detail we are happy to call off today's strike and continue our discussions over a cocktail or two."

Safety concerns in the ongoing Southern Rail dispute were also overcome by the timely intervention of the BA Cabin Crew who proposed a tried and trusted approach. "Doors to manual and cross check" a saying synonymous with air travel safety and a calming influence on the most nervous of traveler would be used at each station before the doors were to be opened. Leonard Stryker from ASLEF said in a statement, "I'm glad all parties saw sense in the end and this closes the door on the dispute."
At the time of writing, the BA Cabin Crew dispute was ongoing, but Railing was hoping for intervention from the Road Hauliers Association. Railing added "We really need the BA Cabin Crew to sort out congestion on the roads too, but giving each vehicle their own "seat number" and asking them to wait in a departure car park before they can travel needs a bit more thought" he concluded.

Storks strike plan

Storks plan industrial action in protest of new government modernisation plan to use drones to deliver babies.
"We've been responsible for delivering babies for centuries." Stated Bill Kerry leader of UNTIE . "Ok so we had problems during the industrial age with the the use of new farming nethods which affected our performance and we struggled to meet our strict delivery time windows but made a bundle of changes and have been delivering on promises ever since. Why this government has to put at risk our livelihood today is beyond me." Kerry said. "I understand the added pressure on the NHS, but this is a slippery slope for the future of Storks in the region. Add to this the unregulated use of drones with the unknown safety risk and it's just an accident waiting to happen." Kerry added
We are open to negotiations and just ask that the government talks to storks before implementing any rash changes or putting the bill before parliament."
It's not as though we are burying our heads in the sand - that's Ostriches. We are happy to sit around the negotiating table, but baby safety and parent well being are our primary concerns." He concluded

Parking fines to make up for tax shortfall

Kingston Council takes to parking fines to recoup for Coffee Chain tax avoidance scheme.

A Surbiton local received a parking fine for parking in a loading bay for 2 minutes at 8:22am 31st Dec 2016 whilst purchasing Almond Croissants. "As I came to load them into my vehicle that I had foolishly not constructed or adapted for use for the carriage or haulage of Almond croissants, I noticed that I had received a Penalty Charge Notice which has subsequently been confirmed as issued correctly" said Surbiton local Pat Issary.
The Surbiton man stated that when asking the Civil Enforcement Officer (CEO) for the reason for Penalty Charge Notice when the sign stated "Mon-Sat 9am-6:30pm pay at machine" the CEO explained that he had not made the necessary modifications to the vehicle and therefore  could not park in a loading bay between 7am and 9am and load Almond croissants and deliver them safely to his home. The CEO further explained that Plain Croissants, Pain au Chocolat and even muffins would have been suitable for transportation, but this tax in particular only applies to Almond Croissants.
"We have to recoup for the Starbucks tax avoidance scheme, and Almond Croissants is the simplest way" the CEO said.
"I'm pretty annoyed" said Pat "If I had carefully read all the information pertaining to parking before leaving my vehicle, I would have visited the nearest garage that adapts vehicles for the purpose of carriage or haulage of almond croissants. It's as simple as that. To be honest I hold the Costa across the road responsible as they didn't have any almond croissants in stock!"

Kingston clamp down on over protective parents

Following a spate of anti social incidents in Kingston on Friday and Saturday nights Kingston Council has had to take on special measures to stop the actions of over protective parents.
Tom Father, head of Bus Stop Use at the council,  said in a statement. "Over Protective Parents think it acceptable between 10pm and Midnight to pull up in bus stops in the vicinity of Prism night spot, drop off their children and drive off within a minute. It's an absolute disgrace," he continued. "Why they don't pull up to the kerbside on the one way system to discharge their kids is beyond me. It's not as though there's much traffic at that time of night. Or better still pull into one of the many dimly lit side streets to let their precious cargo out. It would be much safer for all concerned. We cannot have the possibility of the one bus per half an hour not being able to pull in and let passengers alight or board."
One youth, who wanted to remain nameless,  because he'd drunk so much and couldn't remember his name, said whilst urinating behind the bus stop, "It is a total public inconvenience. If I'd have wanted to get on the bus I wouldn't have been able to"
Father added, "In order to combat the escalating problem within the city we're going to install mobile CCTV cameras at every available bus stop in the city centre. This thoughtless and anti social behaviour is totally unacceptable and we plan to curb this blight on Kingston once and for all"

Sorry I haven't a Clue comes to Kingston

As an antidote to rigid and sensible planning, Kingston council used a planning  think tank along the same lines as a popular Radio 4 panel game to drive change to road use within the borough.
"In order to bring Kingston into the 21st century we needed to do something creative" said Colin Wheeler head of Creative Initiatives at the council, "With the large grant from TFL, as well as continued questions around the value of the BBC TV licence fee we felt we had to create a programme to answers these questions and our strategy certainly did that" he said in a statement.
"Obviously there were a few funny looks within council chambers when Jack Dee entered to announce his involvement in the scheme, but bringing show regulars Barry Cryer, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Jeremy Hardy to the team to assist with traffic planning was a no brainer" he added,  "and with the growth in electric vehicles we certainly had a coup there with Colin Cell at the helm of that initiative."
Samantha, another of the show's regulars was looking forward to her best laid plans being unveiled.
"Some people think we are a laughing stock, but what a programme." Added Wheeler. "The team really did create innovative answers to our problems and you only need to take a look at the results to see how successful the programme has been.

Scheme 1 Surbiton Crescent (Change the use of the road without sufficient signage or notification. Road users gamble as to whether they can drive down or not)
Scheme 2 One road for the use of another (Portsmouth Road a large arterial route is cut in half and a cycle lane built. Cars, lorries and busses fight to use the remaining half  )
Scheme 3 Car charades (Portsmouth Road - At special times of the day notified by a traffic lights  system, cars Blair their horns and pretend to be bicycles so can therefore use the cycle lane)
Scheme 4 Late arrivals (Most trips into Kingston)

Some critics have argued that comedy is a non transferable skill, but we have shown that if you put your mind to it, these types of creative collaborations can make the difference.
Other councils will be looking on with envy" he concluded.

Kingston upon Thames vehicle schemes

Kingston Council over the moon with new Surbiton Crescent charging scheme

Colin Carwright spokesman for the Road Traffic Department of Kingston Council was over joyed with success of the scheme. "I can't explain it really" he said. "We put up some bollards and just changed the use of the road and didn't notify anyone. We thought the original fee of £65 to use the area was on the high side but local residents and people not so local had been using it and happy to pay. Any talk of residents being in a road rage over the traffic calming scheme is nonsense" he said in a statement. "It's turned into a nice little earner. Over 21000 tickets in 5 weeks is exceptional, bordering on premiership footballers weekly wages," he added. "We should be able to pay for additional developments to the Cycle scheme along the Portsmouth Road within a couple of months. 
Following the success we plan to expand the programme and will probably pedestrianise Surbiton High Street. You'll find out with a fine when it happens" He added.
Watch this space for further news

Kingston council to introduce first Smart Cycle Lane

Following the success of the Smart Motorway programme which allows the use of the hard shoulder at busy periods by using over head gantries and a traffic light system and red Xs, Kingston council is to implement a similar solution on the new cycle lane along the Portsmouth Road.
Roger Roadrunner , Head of Road Efficiency at the council said in a statement , "At busy times the lights would change to green allowing vehicles traveling towards Kingston to straddle the curb edge, utilise the cycle lane and make room for cars travelling away from Kingston, especially outside St Raphael's Church where it gets a bit tight when parishioners park for mass.
The Smart system allows vehicles to have half the vehicle use the cycle lane and half use the main highway. As long as only 2 wheels use the cycle lane it is like a bike in a way, so it should be ok", he added. "There is plenty of room for bikes in the other half of the lane, or if pushed, bikes could hop onto the pavements and use that. Pedestrians can use the bloody great promenade by the river. It's about using space efficiently and providing cost effective services for the local community," he concluded. "We did run a survey amongst our team, and thought it would be a good idea."
Of course modifications to current vehicles maybe required to have sufficient ground clearance over the curb but local car dealerships were said to be excited by the news. "We can offer ground clearance checks" said a spokesman who also reported a spike in interest for the new vehicle classification - SUV Shopping Utility Vehicle. It's a normal 4WD with a £5k premium added for use of the scheme. Please pop into Coopers BMW Thames Ditton, Dagenham Ford,
Thames Ditton Honda or Guy Salmon where they can provide a range of large SUV vehicles with suitable ground clearance to meet any of your Smartt Cycle Lane use requirements .