The Treadmill

On a business trip to Brussels
I wanted to stay trim
Developing all my muscles
So I headed towards the gym

They took one peery look at me
They didn’t like my grin
Mankini’s aren’t acceptable
We cannot let you in

So I nipped back to the penthouse
And changed sporting attire
The lycra wasn’t very good
At hiding my spare tyre

So I got upon the tread mill
I started gentle pace
Put it on an incline
It’s a marathon not a race

Then into the line of vision
A girl came by my side
And started up her treadmill
I thought I’d quicken my stride

She was going very quickly
How much faster can she get
I’m starting to struggle now
And there’s an out pouring of sweat

Then a slight catastrophe
When at speed of 9.4
My heart it was apounding
Could I carry on for sure

I lost my concentration
I thought that this is it
As I tumbled from the tread mill
And went arse over tit

The girl she didn’t notice
She was focused in the zone
She was reading Cosmopolitan
With #BackBeatFit ear phones

The moral of the story
When training in the gym
Concentrate upon yourself
It’s the way that you’ll get slim!

Trick or Treat with One Touch Dial

Why is joining conference calls
Always difficult
Plenty of remote controls
And always same result

Expletives screamed at video
Repeating same insults
Often feel an idiot
Time to turn to the occult.

Summon up the ghouls and ghosts
Or some other obscure cult
With potions spells and loyal toasts
Join in with this tumult

I never know the number
Can I wave this magic wand
Forgotten don't remember
Pressing buttons, won't respond

I’ll call upon a witches spell
Am I prepared to pay the price?
To join this conference, bloody hell;
Make a deal with devil, nice!

Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble,
Eye of toad and tongue of newt,
Fire burn, cauldron bubble
Give me power with this remote!

King Arthur with Excalibur
Harry Potter with his spells
Ride your Chariot as Ben Hur
Get me out of meeting hell 

Well now you ask we'll give workflow
To help this Halloween
Press the button and off you go
It’s the easiest it’s been

Incredulity! An Outlook schedule
Invite shows on room system
Press the button and you'll
Be needing no assistance

A simple way to do it right
Invite the rooms and peeps
Click to join from your device
Hassle free - there's no more creeps

Blujeans, Zoom or Polycom
Microsoft workflow
One Touch dial your problems gone
Magic potion green for go!

Flexible Workings

I caused a hiatus with my Plantar Fasciitis.
A sore foot, flat foot, Policeman's heel;
I find it painful, it makes me squeal.
It might be ruptured, it might be torn,
But whatever happened it's old and warn!
I used to be flexible, could bend and stretch;
Touching toes on my memory etched!
Hamstring, quadriceps, stretching all my bits,
But I must admit I could never do the splits!

Now I'm getting older my head thinks I can,
But my body seems to fight it, says, "No way man!"
Get to the office on a crutch, as it's non weight bearing?
Commuting to London I would end up swearing,
Doc says rest it, ice it, compression, elevation,
It's hard in the office but the art of delegation.
And now we're promoting flexible working;
I work from home as there's no more shirking.
No need for bending, stretching flexing all my bits
With Polycom solutions I can work from where I sits!

Tale of a Triathlon

Now my wheels they have been turning,
And my arms have both been whirling,
And my two legs have been striding,
As I did triathlon!
You see
One day when having morning cuppa,
Instead of yawning, thought I'd get uppa
And join them Brownlee boys;
They've got bikes and spikes and timing toys,
Wet suits, more bikes, trainers, try em on for size
And have a go: Athlete arise.

So I downed my cup of Yorkshire Tea,
Ate Soreen slice I'd cut for me.
Now Aldi had some offers on,
Sports kit so bought, now lycra's on.
Wandered down to t local baths,
With cap and goggles, I scared the staff.
As I knocked out 20 lengths,
Of crawl, breast stroke, oh give me strength,
The doggy paddle but finished lads:
I must be barking mad.

But now I get out rusty steed,
And mount to ride, be off, be freed.
Though tyres were a little low,
Come on you bleeding so and so.
I pedal hard, the squeaks are loud,
But off I go I'm feeling proud:
Determined strength comes from within,
As I start my second discipline.
But few miles in, with beading sweat,
And blowing breath, oh yes you bet!
Disaster! At this juncture:
I have a bloody puncture.
But fear not I'm well prepared,
Plimsolls on, they're running scared!
Dismount I do, but not deflated:
I start to run elated!
Well, to be honest it was more a jog,
But whatever, ended quite a slog.
Or maybe even a quick walk.
But made it home, I'm not all talk
I've done Triathlon.
Done in but say I've won.
As I sit down with my Yorkshire brew
Who knew? Just me and you.
Recovering now sat on the sofa
No more just a Soreen loafer!

Finding your feet

It's odd, it's different, strangers to meet;
To live with, to mingle, 'bout finding your feet!
To settle in digs, leave home way behind,
Your new room, make new friends, your feet you will find.

Freshers week madness, queues you can't cheat,
Loneliness, sadness but finding your feet.
People you don't know, not friends like at home,
With them in person but spirit's alone.

Give it some time, new friends built for keeps,
Relationships budding, as you're finding your feet.
A pub crawl, hockey party, sharpie's fine beard,
You're starting to settle, it's not as you feared.

Being yourself, settling, knowing the streets,
Comfortable surroundings, start finding your feet
You're great and wonderful, heart's starting to beat.
New friends and new learning, you'll soon find your feet!

Standing Stones of Callanish

Oh standing stones of Callanish
I long to be within your reach
On Lewis Isle;
The thought of you it makes me smile!
The old weaver of the Harris Tweed
Seemed one hundred when we met;
Sitting in his stone white croft
The woollen thread so strong but soft.
Expect he sat at the weaving loom
An age ago a time entombed,
The warp and weft of the herring bone
The cloth the finest he sat alone
Creating his life's tapestry
Enriched by its simplicity!
Expect that he's still sitting there,
Breathing in the Lewis air.
Peat burning fire the warming scent
That welcomed in and honoured guests.

The naked shore,  clifftop gaping space,
Watching sea meet sheer rock face;
The silence broken by the crashing waves,
A slap from the sea oh cliffs behave!
Gulls drifted on the mild sea breeze,
Swirling lazily eyes peeled to tease.
Watching down from heaven's sake,
In search of one thing, Colin's cake!
A while ago to those standing stones,
Beneath the bridge the waters flow
But stones unchanged remaining so,
Oh Callanish stones,  again I'd go!

Chamois Cream

Yorkshire Lass Sportive few days to go
Lycra legs supple, subtle on show.
7 days and counting, tension mounting...
On hide toughened backside I am counting!

Come on ladies get ready for the roar,
But be prepared for the saddle sore.
Soothing words from your Doctor uttered,
Make sure you've packed your bottom butter!

Rasping, chaffing on softest skin;
This is the place where it does begin.
Start at the bottom, helps you rise to the top,
Firm foundations, makes sure you won't stop.

Don't want you falling, flat on your face
Having to pull out of this magnificent race.
Turning your training into one big farce
Because you forgot to look after your arse!

Left cheek, right cheek you could turn the other
But come on sisters, come on mothers,
A word of advice, it doesn't get easier
Look after your asset, your prized posterior

Here's to the ladies preparation done
Yorkshire beckons riding miles in the sun
Banter and hard work - now live your dream
But don't forget the Chamois Cream!